[Interlude] Lingering Affections

I will wear a mask of ice. That was the promise I made to myself. And yet, even though I was so determined—no, even though I am wearing it now—I find my eyes following his silhouette before I even realize it. Perhaps it’s forgivable to peek from behind the mask, just for a moment? That is the excuse I make, coddling myself. I am such a weak woman.

I believe it all began that night. A great deal of time has passed since then, but the memory of asking for his embrace in the heat of the moment still brings a flush of shame to my cheeks. How utterly shameless I was. A woman of royalty, raised with the strictest discipline to remain a maiden until marriage, desiring the body of a man who was not even her fiancé. It was like a scene from one of those romance stories about a princess and a knight that my younger sister always made me read.

—Honestly, what is with this airheaded princess? She is a disgrace to the royal family.

—It’s just not realistic.

I scoffed at such tales when I read them, but now that I have done something so similar, I have no right to be shocked at myself. Besides, I am hardly as endearing as the princess in that story. I lack the qualities that would make others love me; my younger sister is far more suited to that role. Though, I am certain she would never do something so shameless…

He, on the other hand, is much like the knight from the story. A true gentleman—kind, good-natured, and stronger than any knight in fiction. Objectively speaking, he is undeniably charming.

And so, while I cannot say that is the only reason… I became curious. What did he think of me after that night? Could it be that he was worried?

I know that I am a calculating and cunning woman. It would not do to make him worry, so I had to act as I always have. I went about my days with that resolution firmly in mind, yet a faint, selfish hope lingered within me—the hope that someone as kind as him might have been concerned for me. When I later heard from another that he had indeed been worried, I was so overcome with happiness that I felt my mask of ice might melt away. He is a gentle person, so he would have surely been concerned no matter who it was, but still… the realization that I was someone he would worry about sent a tremor of joy through my entire body.

But I am a coward, and so greed began to well up inside me. I found myself wanting more. I wanted him to look at me, to worry about me. With such base desires, I started paying even closer attention to him, hoping to catch any scrap of his affection. I became absorbed in confirming my hopes, in seeing if he truly was concerned for me. In those unexpected moments when I felt his care, I was so happy.  It was so blissful…

 He became my emotional support.

But even the sweetest medicine can become poison in excess. I have come to hate myself for taking advantage of his kindness. I have no right to it.

That is why I must cast off this happiness he gives me. I must discard these lingering affections.

It’s alright. He was the one who gave me the resolve I needed. Because of that night, because he held me in his arms, I made up my mind. I was finally able to put on my mask of ice.

I will keep wearing this mask until the very end. Fortunately, everything has been proceeding according to plan.

As long as I have the memory of that night, I do not care if the future that awaits me is hell itself. This heat that dwells within my chest, threatening to melt the ice…

Probably…

“Goodbye.”

…I can pretend not to notice it.

I will move forward.

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